Author: The Arbinger Institute
Rating: 9.5/10
“What if conflicts at home, conflicts at work, and conflicts in the world stem from the same root cause? What if we systematically misunderstand that cause? And what if, as a result, we systematically perpetuate the very problems we think we are trying to solve?”
This is arguably one of the best ‘personal development’ books that I’ve read. It’s thought-provoking but doesn’t pressure you into thinking that your life is a mess and they have the solution. It simply suggests, encourages, and recognizes that we all stumble and fail sometimes.
The authors are presenting the concepts through a captivating storyline instead of traditional teaching. This method allows you to engage, reflect, and relate to the need for the lessons in the book.
It introduces a few core principles that if applied, can be life-changing.
The first principle is the influence pyramid – a strategic framework for helping
other people to change. Notice that it’s not for changing people (that doesn’t work), but helping them to change.
Another principle is the four common styles of justification (so-called ‘boxes’): better-than, worse-than, I-deserve, and need-to-beseen-as. Unfortunately, almost every person is at least in one of these boxes, but only once we’re out of the box, we can regard people around us as mattering like we matter.
If you’re interested in a life free of detrimental self-fulfilling prophecies that harm our happiness and relationships with others, this book is a must-read.
Highlights
“A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.”
“A choice to betray yourself is a choice to go to war.”
“Difficult people are nevertheless people, and it always remains in my power to see them that way.”
“We can treat our children fairly but if our hearts are warring toward them while we’re doing it, they won’t think they’re being treated fairly at all.”
“Whenever we need to be justified, anything that will give us justification will immediately take on exaggerated importance in our life. Self-betrayal corrupts everything-even the value we place on things.”
“Behavior in most problems at home, at work, and in the world are not failures of strategy but failures of a way of being.”
“We first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes toward others. If we can’t put an end to the violence within us, there is no hope for putting an end to the violence without.”
“If we don’t get our hearts right, our strategies won’t matter. Once we get our hearts right, however, outward strategies matter a lot.”
“Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others’. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others’ beliefs must be to them.”